


A Perfectly Normal, Regular Old IKEA

by plumesvertes



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: 999 Week 2020 (Zero Escape), 999: Nine Hours Nine Persons Nine Doors, Gen, Humor, IKEA, No Nonary Games, ikea au, the Junpei/Akane is fairly mild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26264449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumesvertes/pseuds/plumesvertes
Summary: The events of 999, but in an IKEA instead of the Nevada site.
Relationships: Junpei/Akane
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	A Perfectly Normal, Regular Old IKEA

**Author's Note:**

> My first work in the fandom, just in time for the end of 999 week! (I know it’s technically September 10th but at least it’s on time on the west coast shhh)
> 
> This is loosely inspired by SCP-3008, aka the infinite IKEA.

Junpei checked his watch - nearly 11 PM. The store would be closing in a few minutes. He’d been wandering leisurely for awhile, not making any real effort to orient himself, but that was only because he was sure the stairs were somewhere nearby. He couldn’t waste any more time doddering around. 

But he just couldn’t find his way out. What the hell was going on here?

Aisle after aisle of bookshelves passed him by. The Swedish names mocked him in their incomprehensibility, scrambling his mind even further. Junpei pounded his frustration into the concrete, working up to a power walk, then breaking into a run as the squeak of his sneakers set him over the edge. His shopping bag flapped comically as he sprinted, and he was sure he looked deranged and ridiculous, but no one could see him anyway. Junpei hadn’t seen another person in at least 20 minutes. 

He didn’t see the person round the corner until he was seconds away from impact. They both collapsed on the floor, leaving Junpei awash in pain and humiliation. 

“Ow, shit. Ugh. Shit, I’m—”

Junpei suddenly became aware of their positions. Him, panting and swearing, on top of a strange (and attractive) girl. Her, all but pinned to the floor, flushed and hair askew. And there was something about her face...

“—really sorry,” Junpei finished. 

The girl’s expression shifted, her eyes sparking as she took Junpei in. Coy, but not a bit embarrassed. “It’s okay,” she said, a hint of a smile in her voice. 

He was close enough to feel the warmth of her face. Junpei had to sit up - actually, he should just get off of her entirely - before he said anything else, although words were not something his brain and mouth were willing to produce right now. Maybe he should offer his hand to—

Before he could react, gravity divested the bag hanging on Junpei’s shoulder of its contents. Three bundles of silverware and a dining set produced a cacophony as they clattered against the floor, accented by a pack of chocolate cookies that crunched unpleasantly. A tiny IKEA pencil bounced off the girl’s nose.

“...Shit. Sorry again.”

“It’s okay,” she repeated, her flirtatiousness replaced with the bewilderment of someone who had just been hit in the face with a tiny IKEA pencil. 

The heat of the moment was gone, and the urgent need to get the hell out of here was back. Junpei and the girl quickly picked up the fallen items and placed them back in the bag. 

“Wow, you got a BLAHÅJ?” She was referring to his 40-inch shark plush, which Junpei had wedged firmly enough into the bag that it hadn’t fallen out. 

This wasn’t the first time he’d seen this girl excited over a stuffed animal. Decade-old memories reached Junpei’s tongue before the rest of him could process the information. 

“Akane?”

Akane opened her mouth to speak. It sounded like she was starting to say ‘Jumpy’, but she was interrupted by the appearance of two other people - a woman who looked straight out of a harem fantasy, and a monolith of a man wearing orange overalls. 

“What the hell was that noise?” demanded the woman. 

“Woah, hey, calm down. Maybe they can help us.”

She scoffed. “Look at them. They’re not going to help; they’re even more confused than we are.” 

At the other end of the aisle, five more people arrived. A girl with bushy pink hair clung to a guy about Junpei’s age dressed like an aristocrat. There was another boy his age with white hair, and two middle-aged men.

“So that’s where the noise came from. Maybe it’s his mating call,” the white-haired guy snarked. 

Then they all erupted into conversation, which was civil for about five seconds before it escalated into a shouting match. All Junpei could make out was that everyone here was very lost and very confused. 

The taller man’s voice cut through din. “Alright, we’re all in the same situation. We might as well stay calm so we can get out of here.”

“We should at least tell each other our names,” the pink-haired girl ventured. “My name’s Clover. This is my brother Light.”

“Quite ironic, seeing as I’m blind. Or rather, not seeing,” Light chuckled.

“I’m Aoi.”

“Hongou,” said the man who had silenced the group.

“My name’s Hazuki. And I’ll save you all the trouble of making any inane comments,” she paused, glaring up at the man next to her, “I’m dressed like this because I came here from my belly dancing class.”

The man was oblivious to Hazuki’s scorn. “You can call me Seven. My name’s not actually Seven, but that was my nickname back in the force. My badge number always had a seven in it.”

All eyes turned to Junpei and Akane, who were still sprawled on the floor. There was an awkward pause where they each waited for the other to speak first. “I’m Junpei,” he started. “This is Akane. We’re not together though,” he quickly amended. “We just—”

“—ran into each other,” Akane finished. “We were friends in elementary school.”

“This is all very touching, but don’t you think we should focus on getting out of here?” Aoi snapped.

“How about calling the police?” suggested Clover.

Hazuki rolled her eyes. “Everyone knows that it’s impossible to get cell service in IKEA. It’s practically a Faraday cage.” Junpei checked his phone and confirmed to the rest of the group that she was right. 

“Are you all crazy?” barked the ninth man, who had been silent up until this point. “Call the cops, risk getting arrested, end up with our faces on the news? I’m not gonna stand around any longer. I’m getting out of here!” He sprinted down the length of the aisle, paused for a desperate second, then made a beeline for a model bathroom. 

Seven whirled around and took off after the man. His echoing footsteps and cries of “Wait!” intermingled with a chorus of protests from the group. Clover darted after Seven, and Light was right behind Clover, and after a few seconds of uncomfortable jostling the whole group was on Seven’s heels. 

They reached the place where the ninth man had disappeared into. Aside from several ultramodern sinks and efficient storage solutions, the bathroom was empty. “There’s no one here,” Seven said.

Aoi hugged his arms close to his body, shivering a little. “Well, that’s not fucking creepy or anything.”

“He probably ran through here and out that fake patio,” said Light. 

“How can you tell that’s a patio?” Junpei asked. 

“I may be blind, but my other senses are far more developed than those of a normal human. Besides,” Light swept his hand over the NILSOVE he was leaning on, “no self-respecting furniture store would sell an indoor chair made of wicker.”

Hongou started to sit down in the wicker chair at the same moment that Akane spoke up. “If we’re going to sit down and talk, there’s an area with chairs and couches right over there,” she offered. 

Once they were all comfortably seated, they exchanged information. They’d all gotten lost in the Bermuda Triangle that was this section of IKEA. No one had been stopped by, or even seen, an employee. No one had heard any announcement over the PA that the store was closing, despite the fact that it was now half an hour past the 11 PM closing time.

Junpei decided to voice what they were all thinking. “This whole thing seems suspicious, don’t you think? I don’t come here that often, but this doesn’t seem like normal IKEA procedure.”

Akane turned toward him. They were sitting together on a GUNRID loveseat, although the tense atmosphere (and Junpei’s bag between them) prevented any furniture-induced flirtation. “Jumpy, what are you implying...?” 

Hongou answered. “I think Junpei is insinuating that this is a set-up. Someone wanted us to get lost here tonight, and they made sure no employees or announcements would interfere with their plans.”

Aoi stood up and began pacing. “Why would anyone want to trap a bunch of random strangers in an IKEA? That doesn’t make any sense. This was probably just an accident.” 

“I think Hongou is right. There’s too many things that don’t add up here,” Hazuki stated. “Any announcement would be automated, so it isn’t possible that someone just forgot to make it. And whoever closes the store should have seen us on the security cameras. This isn’t a coincidence.”

“Of course, that begs the question: why would anyone want to trap customers in an IKEA after hours?” Hongou asked.

“That isn’t the most important question here,” said Seven. “Someone obviously did it, but there’s no way of knowing what their motive is right now. Better to ask who did it.” His voice was grim, and a chill settled over Junpei as he realized the meaning of Seven’s words. No one spoke for several moments, leaving only the silence of the vast, unnavigable concrete landscape. 

“You’re saying that one of us is responsible,” whispered Akane.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’.”

Aoi halted his pacing. “And you’re a detective all of the sudden?” 

“Actually, I was a detective when I was on the force—”

“That’s ridiculous,” Hazuki interjected. “We’re all just lost customers like you. Unless you’re casting aspersions on yourself as well.”

“I’m just saying it’s likely that the culprit is in the store right now. They could be one of us, or they could be somewhere else.”

“It’s not me or Light,” Clover protested. “I have the chart marked with all the things he was going to buy. It’s all right here!”

Light squeezed Clover’s hand reassuringly. “My sister has done an excellent job performing as my eyes today. If need be, I can prove our innocence by recounting the process behind each purchase decision, but I believe our time would be better spent searching for others that may still be in the building.”

Hongou nodded. “I agree with Light. Sitting around here trying to confirm each other’s alibis would be a waste of time. I suggest we split up and look around, and be careful to not get lost again.”

“I have a suggestion,” Junpei said. Hogou’s brow furrowed for a moment, then smoothed out as he prompted Junpei to speak. “Why don’t we meet at the cafeteria? It’s the easiest place to find, and there’s a bunch of signs on that side of the store directing you there.”

“Good idea, Jumpy!” Akane beamed. 

Hongou conceded after a few moments of deliberation. “Now that you mention it, I am hungry.”

“I suggest we split off into groups of two and branch off in the four cardinal directions. Clover and I will go together, of course,” said Light.

Everyone else chose their groups under the assumption that he and Akane would be together. Aoi volunteered to go with Hongou, and Seven and Hazuki paired up by default. They chose paths that were more or less 90 degrees apart and headed off without further conversation. Junpei was eager to get some space from the others, and he assumed they felt the same.

The one bright spot in all of this was seeing Akane again, and now he had some time alone with her. Memories of their childhood together drifted through Junpei’s mind in a steady stream as he walked, connecting the girl from five years ago to the one beside him. 

“Hey Jumpy?”

“Sorry,” Junpei said reflexively. 

Akane looked genuinely surprised. “Why would you be sorry?”

“I’ve been ignoring you and barely paying attention to what’s around us. I got lost in thought, that’s all.”

“Thinking about when we were kids?”

“Lucky guess. But...yeah, we had some good times back then.”

“Remember when you fought those eighth graders who said they’d hurt me?” 

Junpei’s stomach clenched as he recalled the stench of rotting entrails in the rabbit hutch, the cat doused in gasoline, the weeks of waking up in pain because he’d rolled over his broken nose while asleep. “Vaguely.”

“If we run into any rogue employees, this time I’ll fight them for you.” She kicked a MILLBERGET office chair on the side of the aisle so rolled in front of Junpei. “If you want to get to Jumpy, you’ll have to go through me!”

“I appreciate the chivalry, but I think I can handle an IKEA employee,” Junpei laughed.

“Not if it’s one of the Staff.” 

“The...staff?” 

Akane’s expression shifted into ghost story mode. “No, not the staff. The Staff. There’s an old Swedish legend about an IKEA with a dimensional rift. Sometimes, a customer will fall through. The other side looks just like a regular IKEA, but it’s inhabited by the Staff. Living mannequins dressed in the IKEA uniform with no eyes, ears, or mouth, but somehow they always find you. Every night the lights turn off and don’t come back on for nine hours, and that’s when the Staff attack.” 

Junpei figured that one didn’t want to be unprepared when the Staff attacked. 

“Well...that’s a wild story, but it’s probably just something a guy on the internet made up,” he chuckled. Even so, the tale imbued their surroundings with a sinister aura. Junpei was suddenly hyper-aware of all the crevices and corners where a Staff could be waiting in ambush. 

“Maybe it is, but aren’t you glad you have me to protect you just in case?” 

“Of course.” Junpei’s tone was playful, but he was pretty sure that if the nine (eight?) of them were in a horror movie, and these Staff things were real, Akane would have the highest kill count. 

“Hey, let’s take turns pushing each other down the aisles in this chair! It’ll be faster anyway.” 

Well, the highest kill count and the most fun.

The cafeteria wasn’t too far from where they’d left. They hadn’t encountered anyone else on the way, but Junpei hadn’t really expected to. If the culprit was here and not one of them, they probably weren’t waiting out in the open. If the culprit was one of them...they’d obviously kept quiet so far, and probably would continue to do so. He couldn’t fathom why anyone would do this, much less why they’d bother with the charade of being a customer, but their plan obviously involved waiting until the right moment. 

He and Akane were the first ones back. They were pretty fast with the rolling chair at the end, and Junpei would be lying if he said they were as thorough as they could’ve been, but still. They’d split off in groups of two, which was inherently risky when everyone was a suspect. Light had been the one to suggest pairing off, but if he was behind all this and wanted to get one of them alone, he wouldn’t have gone with his sister. Although, Light was smart. Maybe it was a ploy to deflect suspicion. Or he and Clover could be working together…

There was no use speculating until the others got back. It was giving him the creeps, anyway. He and Akane might as well focus on scrounging up something to eat. Only packaged food was left - cookies, multigrain crackers, chocolate bars, and jars of lingonberry jam - but Junpei could still smell Swedish meatballs. The scent was literally baked into the walls. His stomach grumbled.

Hazuki and Seven were next to return. “No dice,” Seven said. “We found one of those wall phones and tried calling the police, but it didn’t seem like it was connected.”

“There was no dial tone.” Hazuki added. “I didn’t expect anything else, but I couldn’t help hoping. My daughters are home from college, and I was going to surprise them with IKEA food. It was their favorite when they were kids.”

Junpei mentally crossed Hazuki off his short list of possible subjects. 

“You can still bring them something once we get out of here. It’s not like there’s anyone around to catch you shoplifting candy bars. I don’t know where you’d hide it though...”

Hazuki actually smiled at Seven’s clumsy attempts at comfort. “I suppose you’re right.”

The four of them were finishing off a roll of crackers topped with lingonberries when Clover ran up to their table in a manic fervor. “Have any of you seen Light?” 

“He’s not with you?” asked Akane.

“We got to the stairs a few minutes after we all split up, so we went to the first floor. Light suggested I look for the exit while he checked by the cashiers. I didn’t want to split up, but my brother is so insistent about his independence. The exit doors wouldn’t open, so I ran over to find Light, and he wasn’t there. I waited for a few minutes, but…” Clover paused to fight back tears. 

“Let’s get you a drink of water.” Hazuki walked Clover to the soda fountain. 

As soon as they were out of earshot, Seven asked, “Do you think this has anything to do with the other two?”

Akane shook her head. “He probably just got lost again.”

Junpei wasn’t sure, but Hongou and Aoi approached before he could address the subject. They confirmed that they hadn’t found anyone, and Junpei told them about the locked doors and Light. Of course, both of them denied having seen him. Then Clover came back to the table and interrogated Hongou and Aoi, the small amount of composure she’d regained devolving into tears. 

Just as accusations were getting ugly, Light appeared with a bag full of food. “You’re not arguing about me, are you?” 

Clover nearly toppled her brother down the stairs with the force of her hug. “I’d only been gone ten minutes,” he protested, although he was clearly touched by Clover’s affection. No one could blame her for having an emotional outburst in a situation like this.

Light had taken a detour to pick up dinner food from the Swedish grocery store - SKORPOR FULLKORN rolls, dill herring, and cheese - which went a long way in lifting everyone’s spirits. Eight people, most of them meeting for the first time, eating late at night in awkward but companionable silence - it was a dinner party. Junpei would’ve preferred a hot meal of Swedish meatballs and mashed potatoes, but the food wasn’t so bad, and neither was the company. Akane convinced Junpei to bring out the BLÅHAJ, and even Hongou got a kick out of it. Seven told a story from his days in the police force, and Hazuki talked about her job at an IT firm.

“So, you’re a hacker?” Seven asked.

“Not everyone who codes is a hacker,” Clover chastised. 

“Actually, my speciality was in cybersecurity.”

“Then why don’t you just hack into the computers at the cashiers?”

Hazuki sighed, clearly used to having to answer these types of questions. “It’s not that simple. Point of sales computers only have the software required for making transactions. They can’t even access the internet.”

Junpei almost didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to give rise to a possibility only to have it shot down. But this was probably the best chance they had to escape other than waiting for the store to open at 8 AM. “Could you use the customer service computers downstairs?”

“The what?”

“I remember seeing a computer downstairs. I think the employees use it to look stuff up for people.”

“You’re just now telling us this?” Hongou exclaimed.

Hazuki dared to look hopeful. “I won’t make any promises, but I’ll give it a shot.”

There was no reason for the others to leave and risk getting lost, so only Junpei and Hazuki went downstairs. Hazuki’s annoyed visage hovered in his peripheral vision as Junpei desperately tried to orient himself. It was driving lessons with his mom all over again. Eventually, Hazuki broke the silence to ask if he was lost, and he had to admit that he didn’t remember where he was going.

“We unfortunately have plenty of time, so we can check each aisle. If we wander randomly, there’s a chance we’ll miss it.” To Junpei’s relief, she didn’t seem irritated. “At least the aisles here have an end.”

She spoke so casually that Junpei almost didn’t catch the implication. “Wait, what?”

“There’s an urban legend about an IKEA that extends infinitely in every direction. They say that people who get trapped there live in settlements they built out of furniture, and scavenge food from the cafeterias that pop up every couple of miles.”

“Does this IKEA have the Staff...I mean, mannequins that hunt people at night?”

“That’s one version. Others say that the Staff aren’t monsters; they’re the people who get lost in the endless IKEA, and every regular IKEA employee is actually one of them.”

Junpei imagined himself, Akane, and the others in a blue and yellow uniform. Hazuki laughed at what must’ve been a nervous expression on his face. “It’s only a story. Don’t take me so seriously.”

They walked for a few more minutes before Junpei recognized where he was. “I remember where we are now. It’s around the corner from that painting.”

“Which one?” The art continued along the wall for several aisles.

He pointed. “That one. The one with the…” it looked abstract at first glance, but it was clearly depicting something. “...the funyarinpa.”

“What the hell is a funyarinpa?”

“You mean you don’t know? Apologize to the—“

“We don’t have time for this! Let’s go.”

Hazuki booted up the computer and started typing. Junpei had taken a coding class in his freshman year of college, but he recognized nothing on the screen besides that Hazuki was writing a script. 

“Got it!” she exclaimed. “Now I can unlock the doors.”

Junpei’s thoughts drifted back to his suspicions from earlier. “Can you access the employee schedule?”

“Of course. That’s not a bad idea.”

A few clicks, and there was the spreadsheet. He took the mouse from Hazuki and scrolled until he found the schedule for today. 

“There’s less people scheduled for the 6-11 PM shift. That’s what I expected, but it doesn’t tell us anything new.”

“Wait. Go back to the shifts from last week.”

At first, Junpei didn’t see anything. When he did, he didn’t want to believe it. But he’d seen that name hundreds of times before, on attendance sheets and school assignments. “Akane…”

“Akane Kurashiki. And Aoi Kurashiki. Let’s go back upstairs before they realize we’ve figured them out.” 

Hazuki’s tone was damning. Junpei wanted to protest, but there was nothing he could say. There was no way this was a coincidence. 

Akane was the first to greet them when they got back. Junpei couldn’t meet her eyes. It was Hazuki who got things started. 

“Aoi, Akane. You’ve got some explaining to do.”

Aoi recounted their story: He and Akane both worked at IKEA, and they rode together to work from their shared apartment. Despite his relatively young age, Aoi was the manager, and Akane was a shift lead. Both had access to the security systems and schedules. 

Aoi traded stocks as a source of side income, and he’d been following a company called Cradle Pharmaceuticals. Hongou was its CEO until a controversy earlier this year in which their most recent drug, Soporil-β, was recalled due to violating FDA regulations. However, the company’s unethical practices were never reported beyond word-of-mouth. Hongou was recalled, but neither he nor anyone else at the company faced consequences. Aoi and Akane noticed him loitering in the IKEA nearly every day, beginning a few weeks after he was ousted from the company, but he never bought anything. They realized that Hongou was sleeping in the IKEA, likely because he’d lost all his money. 

They figured that if they could catch Hongou staying in the IKEA after hours, they could call the cops and have him arrested. Even if Hongou bought out the police and the news media, they’d have the security camera footage to post online. That meant they couldn’t risk any other customers or employees being in the footage; they also didn’t know if Hongou had been bribing any of the employees to keep quiet about his situation. Akane deleted the shifts for that area of the building and rearranged the arrows on the floor to redirect customers away from what she had deduced to be Hongou’s makeshift room. This accidentally created the looping labyrinth that had trapped all of them. Aoi changed the automated settings so that the indoor security cameras would remain on after hours, but that had also eliminated the ‘store is closing’ announcement. Both siblings had been lurking in the area to keep an eye on things, but when they’d encountered the others, they realized that they couldn’t admit what they’d done - especially not once Hongou had entered the picture. 

After Aoi finished the story, everyone was quiet. Hongou said nothing. Akane said nothing. Finally, Clover spoke up. “Are the doors unlocked?”

“Yeah,” Hazuki replied. Her voice had lost its authoritative edge. 

Junpei couldn’t imagine walking out after this revelation. “Is that it then? We just leave? What about…” he dared to glance at Hongou, who was fuming in stony silence.

“You can’t prove anything. I won’t be coming here again, so that’s the end of your little scheme. I suggest we all get out of here and go home.” He turned and walked toward the stairs. 

It was clear that Hongou was confident in his ability to walk away from this incident unscathed. Junpei hadn’t even heard of Cradle Pharmaceuticals until five minutes ago, but he couldn’t stand that smugness. After all the trouble Akane and her brother had gone through - after the trouble they’d put them all through - he couldn’t accept that it was all for naught. “Seven, can’t you do something?”

He shook his head. “Can’t do anything without proof. And you heard what Aoi said about Cradle Pharmaceuticals paying off the police.”

“As much as I hate to give credit to anything that man says, I believe our best course of action is to drive home before it gets too late,” said Light. 

Clover didn’t look ready to leave either, but nothing remained for either of them to do here. “Yeah, I’m getting tired.” 

That left five of them. “I’d best get going too. I’m parked close to the building. Seven, do you want a ride to your car?” asked Hazuki.

“I’m not- I mean, yeah, I’d like that.” The two of them walked off together, and Junpei had a feeling that this wouldn’t be the last time they saw each other.

Then there were three. “I assume you two are leaving together, right?” Junpei said. He wanted to ask Akane if they’d see each other again, but the question seemed insignificant compared to - well, anything else he could be asking about this whole confusing mess.

Akane nodded, more sullen than he’d seen her all night. “Yes. But before we go, I’d like to show you something.” She pulled out her phone and pressed play. A blurry Aoi began explaining his and Akane’s plan. Akane fast-forwarded, and Hongou all but implicated himself on camera. It wasn’t hard evidence, but the fact that Hongou didn’t deny any of the accusations was probably enough to convince people on the internet. 

“Holy shit, you filmed me? And Hongou didn’t notice?” 

“You didn’t even notice!”

“Well. That’s it then. We...actually did it. We pulled this plan out of our ass.” Aoi enveloped his sister in a hug. They laughed, and Junpei could see weeks of tension dissolving as they finally let themselves relax. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and played with the loose thread inside.

“You should send that video to Junpei,” Aoi suggested after he and Akane pulled apart. “My phone is dead, and we need a backup until we can upload this somewhere.”

“Good idea. Jumpy, why don’t you type in your number and send it to yourself?” Akane handed her phone to him. 

Junpei had to remember to thank Aoi later. 

They walked to the exit together. The doors opened, and he took an invigorating breath of night air. No more IKEA smell. Not a stick of furniture in sight. 

“Y’know, I just realized we never found that guy who ran off earlier,” Aoi mused. “Weird. Well, I’m too tired to worry about him now. Let’s see if we can find the car before sunrise.” 

“You won’t charge me for shoplifting, right?” Junpei called after them. Aoi shook his head and Akane waved, and then they vanished into the void of the parking garage.

He had parked, like, three miles away. Not actually, but it would probably take him a solid 20 minutes to walk to his car. 

Junpei checked his watch - nearly 3 AM. He should really be getting home.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is the second IKEA fic I've written. No, I won't be taking questions at this time.


End file.
